Toddler Tantrums: A Gentle, Sunnah-Inspired Approach

You are in the supermarket queue. Your two-year-old wanted the blue cup, not the red one, and is now face-down on the floor, screaming as if the world has ended. People are looking. Your face is hot. A voice in your head asks: what am I doing wrong?

Probably nothing. Tantrums are one of the most normal parts of being a toddler, and one of the hardest parts of parenting one. This guide covers why they happen, what to do in the moment and afterwards, how to prevent some of them, and how to look after your own anger along the way.

Tantrums are normal

The NHS says tantrums usually start at around 18 months, are very common in toddlers, and become far less common by about age four. One big reason is that toddlers want to express themselves but can’t yet. They feel frustration, jealousy or tiredness at full volume, and they don’t have the words or the brakes to handle it. Zero to Three describes toddlers as still learning the skills to cope with big emotions.

So a tantrum is not a sign of bad character, a “naughty” child, or failed tarbiyah (raising a child). It is a small person overwhelmed by a feeling bigger than they are.

In the moment

The aim is simple: keep everyone safe, stay calm, and wait.

1. Check safety first. Move them away from the road, the stairs or the glass shelf. Move other children back if limbs are flying.
2. Lower your voice and your body. Crouch to their level if they will let you. A low, slow voice tells their nervous system there is no danger.
3. Use very few words. A child mid-meltdown can’t process a lecture. Try: “You’re so cross. I’m here.” Then stop talking.
4. Hold the limit. If the tantrum is about the blue cup, the biscuit or the iPad, don’t give in to end it. The NHS points out that giving in teaches children that tantrums work.
5. Offer comfort, don’t force it. Some toddlers want to be held firmly; others push you away. Stay close either way.
6. Ignore the audience. The people staring have mostly been there themselves. Your child matters more than their opinion.

And for you, quietly, while you wait:

Evidence · Hadith

أَعُوذُ بِاللَّهِ مِنَ الشَّيْطَانِ الرَّجِيمِ

Two men argued in front of the Prophet ﷺ and one of them grew red in the face with anger. The Prophet ﷺ said: “I know a word which, if he said it, would take away what he feels: ‘I seek refuge with Allah from Shaytan, the outcast.’” Narrated by Sulayman ibn Surad (RA).

A’udhu billahi minash-shaytanir-rajim. Say it under your breath. It’s for you, not for your toddler.

Words you can use

After the storm

When the tears slow down, connection matters more than any lesson.

• Reconnect first. A cuddle, a drink of water, a quiet “That was hard, wasn’t it?”
• Name the feeling. “You were really angry because we had to leave the park.” Naming feelings gives toddlers the words they will one day use instead of screaming. The NHS suggests something similar: “I know you’re feeling angry about…”
• Keep the lesson tiny. For a two-year-old, one sentence is enough: “Next time, you can stamp your feet and say ‘I’m cross!’”
• Move on. No grudges, no retelling it at dinner in front of the family.

Evidence · Hadith

Anas (RA) said: “I served the Prophet ﷺ for ten years. He never once said ‘uff’ to me, and he never said, ‘Why did you do that?’ or ‘Why didn’t you do that?’”

That gentleness with a child in his care is the model. After a tantrum, there’s no need to interrogate a toddler about why.

Prevention

You can’t prevent every tantrum, but you can avoid the predictable ones.

• Sleep: tired toddlers melt down. Protect naps and an early, steady bedtime.
• Food: carry a snack. Many “behaviour” problems are hunger.
• Routines: toddlers cope better when they know what comes next. Use the same order every day.
• Warnings: “Two more slides, then we go home.” Then count them together.
• Choices: “Red cup or blue cup?” gives control without giving in on the big things.
• Short outings: the NHS suggests keeping shopping trips short and involving your child in them.
• Distraction early: at the first wobble, “Look! A cat!” can head off a storm.
• Connection: plenty of cuddles and attention when things are going well.

Evidence · Hadith

Gentleness is not found in anything except that it beautifies it, and it is not removed from anything except that it spoils it. Narrated by ʿAishah (RA).

Your own anger

The hardest part of a tantrum is often not the child. It’s what it stirs up in you. Exhaustion, embarrassment and a long day can turn a reasonable parent into a shouting one in seconds.

Evidence · Hadith

“The strong person is not the one who overpowers others. The strong person is the one who controls himself when angry.” Narrated by Abu Hurayrah (RA).

The sunnah gives practical steps for that moment:

1. Seek refuge. A’udhu billahi minash-shaytanir-rajim (Sahih al-Bukhari 6115, above).
2. Change your position. If you are standing, sit down. Sitting on the floor beside your toddler is the best place to be during a tantrum anyway.
3. Stay quiet. “Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day, let him say what is good or keep quiet” (Sahih al-Bukhari 6018). If the next words aren’t kind, don’t say them yet.
4. Water. Many people make wudu or splash their face to cool down. There is a hadith about making wudu when angry (Sunan Abi Dawud 4784), but most hadith scholars grade it da’if (weak), so treat this as Parenting Wisdom rather than sunnah. Cold water on your face still helps.

Evidence · Hadith

The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said to us: “When one of you becomes angry while standing, he should sit down. If the anger leaves him, well and good; otherwise he should lie down.” Narrated by Abu Dharr (RA).

Evidence · Qur’an

…who restrain anger and who pardon the people, and Allah loves the doers of good.

If you do shout, repair. Get down to your child’s level: “I shouted. I’m sorry. I was cross, but shouting isn’t okay. I love you.” You are teaching them that adults make mistakes and put them right. The guide on how to stop yelling at your kids goes deeper.

When to seek help

Most tantrums are normal. Talk to your health visitor, GP or paediatrician if:

• you are seriously worried about your child’s behaviour, or tantrums are getting more frequent or intense instead of easing as they grow;
• your child often hurts themselves or others during tantrums;
• you have concerns about their hearing, speech, development or sleep;
• tantrums are still very frequent well past the age most children grow out of them;
• you feel you can’t cope, or are frightened of what you might do. Asking for help is a strength, not a failure. In an emergency, call your local emergency number.

In the UK, the NHS also points parents to Family Lives, a free family support helpline.

Context notes

• Grandparents and relatives may have strong views: “Just give him the sweet,” or “In our day, a smack sorted it out.” You can thank them warmly and hold your line: “We’re trying to stay calm and not give in. It helps if we’re all doing the same.”
• In a Muslim-minority country, a toddler melting down at the masjid door or in a public place can feel like it reflects on all Muslims. It doesn’t. Every parent of every faith has been there.
• In a busy extended-family home, with cousins and noise everywhere, a quiet corner or a short walk outside can help an overwhelmed toddler reset.

For the bigger picture on discipline at older ages, see Islamic discipline without hitting, gentle parenting in Islam and helping kids with big feelings.