Teaching Kids to Respect Parents (Birr al-Walidayn) Without Fear

“Ugh, fine.” The door slams. Your eight-year-old has just been asked to put her shoes away, and the reply came with an eye-roll you didn’t think she was old enough for yet. You find yourself thinking: in my day, we would never have spoken to our parents like that.

Respect for parents (birr al-walidayn) is one of the most emphasised values in Islam. But many of us grew up with a version of respect that was mostly fear. This guide is about raising children who honour you because they love you, and who carry that respect long after they’ve left home.

What the Qur’an asks

Allah places kindness to parents right next to worshipping Him alone.

Evidence · Qur’an

فَلَا تَقُل لَّهُمَآ أُفٍّۢ وَلَا تَنْهَرْهُمَا وَقُل لَّهُمَا قَوْلًۭا كَرِيمًۭا

“And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as], ‘uff,’ and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word.”

Evidence · Qur’an

“And lower to them the wing of humility out of mercy and say, ‘My Lord, have mercy upon them as they brought me up [when I was] small.’”

Evidence · Qur’an

“And We have enjoined upon man [care] for his parents. His mother carried him, [increasing her] in weakness upon weakness… Be grateful to Me and to your parents…”

The Prophet ﷺ ranked kindness to parents among the deeds most loved by Allah, right after praying on time (Sahih al-Bukhari 5970 · Sahih). When a man asked who most deserved his good company, he answered:

Evidence · Hadith

“Your mother.” The man asked, “Then who?” He said, “Your mother.” The man asked, “Then who?” He said, “Your mother.” The man asked, “Then who?” He said, “Your father.” Narrated by Abu Hurayrah (RA).

Respect is learned by receiving it

Here’s the part often missed: children learn respect mainly by being treated with it. A child who is shouted at, mocked or ignored learns that this is how people who love each other speak.

The Prophet ﷺ showed respect to children. ʿAishah (RA) described how, whenever his daughter Fatimah (RA) came to visit, he would stand up to welcome her, take her by the hand, kiss her and seat her in his own place, and she would do the same for him.

Evidence · Hadith

When she came to visit him he got up to welcome her, took her by the hand, kissed her and made her sit where he was sitting; and when he went to visit her, she got up to welcome him, took him by the hand, kissed him, and made him sit where she was sitting.

Respect, in this beautiful picture, runs both ways.

Evidence · Hadith

“He is not one of us who does not show mercy to our young ones and does not know the rights of our elders.” Narrated by ʿAbdullah ibn ʿAmr (RA).

Mercy to the young and respect for the old come in the same sentence. One makes the other possible.

Ways to show your child respect:

• Say salam to them, and “please” and “thank you”.
• Knock before entering their room (especially as they get older).
• Listen to the end of their story before responding.
• Apologise when you get it wrong.
• Don’t humiliate them in front of others.
• Ask their opinion on family decisions where you can.

Modelling with your own parents

Your children are watching how you treat your parents. How you speak to Nani on the phone, whether you visit Dada, how you talk about your in-laws when they’re not there: this is the real lesson.

• Let them see you serve your parents. Bringing tea, helping with errands, calling regularly.
• Speak well of grandparents, even when things are complicated.
• Involve the children. A drawing for Grandad, helping carry Grandma’s shopping, a video call on Fridays.
• Make dua for your parents out loud. Let your children hear you say the dua from 17:24.

رَبِّ ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا

Rabbir-hamhuma kama rabbayani saghira: “My Lord, have mercy on them both, as they raised me when I was small.” For children: “Allah, please be kind to my mum and dad, like they look after me.”

If your own parents are not Muslim, or your relationship with them is painful, the Qur’an still asks for kindness. When Asma’ bint Abi Bakr (RA) asked whether to keep good relations with her mother, who was not Muslim, the Prophet ﷺ said, “Yes, keep good relations with her” (Sahih al-Bukhari 2620 · Sahih). See our guide to grandparents and extended family for more.

Explaining “uff” to a child

The word uff is the smallest sound of irritation: a sigh, a huff, an “ugh”. The Qur’an forbids even that.

For a seven- to nine-year-old, try:

“You know when you’re annoyed and you go ‘uggghh’ and roll your eyes? In Arabic that’s called uff. Allah says don’t even do that to your parents. Not because parents are perfect, but because they looked after you when you were tiny and couldn’t do anything for yourself. So we use kind words, even when we’re cross.”

Then make it concrete:

• Eye-rolling, huffing and “whatever” are uff.
• Slamming doors is uff.
• Saying “I’m frustrated, can we talk about it?” is not uff. That’s a noble word.

When children talk back

Back-talk is normal, especially from around seven, when children start testing their independence. Here’s a calm sequence:

1. Don’t match the tone. Take a breath. Lower your voice.
2. Name it, briefly. “That tone isn’t how we speak to each other.”
3. Offer a redo. “Try again. Tell me what you need in a kind voice.”
4. Hear the content. Often there’s a real point underneath: “You’re upset because you were in the middle of your game.”
5. Hold the limit. “I understand. The shoes still need to go away. You can finish the level after.”
6. Talk later, if it’s a pattern. At a calm time: “I’ve noticed we’ve been snapping at each other. What’s going on?”

Disagreeing is not disrespect. The Prophet Ibrahim disagreed with his father about worshipping idols, the most serious matter there is, and yet every sentence began with tenderness: “Ya abati”, “O my dear father” (Qur’an, Maryam 19:43–45). When his father threatened him, Ibrahim replied, “Peace be upon you. I will ask forgiveness for you of my Lord” (19:47). That’s the model: firm on what’s right, gentle in how it’s said.

Obedience has limits

Children also need to know, in an age-appropriate way, that obeying parents is not unlimited.

Evidence · Hadith

“There is no obedience in sin. Obedience is only in what is good.” Said by the Prophet ﷺ about a commander who ordered his soldiers into a fire. Narrated by ʿAli (RA).

And the Qur’an, right after commanding gratitude to parents, says that if they push you to associate partners with Allah, do not obey them, “but accompany them in [this] world with appropriate kindness” (Luqman 31:15).

For children aged seven to nine, keep it simple:

“We listen to Mum and Dad because Allah asks us to, and because we love and look after you. But if any grown-up, even someone in the family, ever asks you to do something that’s wrong, unsafe, or that feels bad, you don’t have to do it. You can always tell us.”

This matters for safety, too. A child who believes they must obey every adult without question is more vulnerable. Respect and the right to say no to wrongdoing belong together.

The long view

The respect you’re building now is for the years when your children are adults and you are older. The Qur’an speaks of parents “reaching old age”. The way you treat your child today, with dignity, patience and love, is what they’ll most likely give back.

For related reading, see our adab checklist, gentle parenting in Islam, and, for the later years, parenting teens 16–18: from guide to friend.