Grandparents and Extended Family: Raising Kids Together
When grandparents help (or disagree): honouring elders, setting boundaries kindly, cultural vs Islamic practices, and what children gain.
In this guide
Your mother-in-law gives your toddler chocolate before dinner. Again. Your father tells your son that boys don’t cry. Your aunt asks, in front of everyone, why your daughter isn’t wearing hijab yet. And at the same time, these are the people who rocked your baby through colic, who tell your children the family stories, who pray for them every night.
Grandparents and extended family can be the greatest blessing in a child’s life and a real source of tension for parents. Islam asks us to honour both: our elders and our responsibility for our children.
Family ties are worship
Keeping family ties, silat ar-rahim, is one of the most emphasised duties in Islam. The Qur’an names it alongside fear of Allah:
Evidence · Qur’an
وَٱتَّقُوا۟ ٱللَّهَ ٱلَّذِى تَسَآءَلُونَ بِهِۦ وَٱلْأَرْحَامَ
“And fear Allah, through whom you ask one another, and the wombs.”
“The wombs” here means ties of kinship. And the Prophet ﷺ promised blessing to those who keep them:
Evidence · Hadith
“Whoever loves that he be granted more provision and that his life be extended, let him keep good relations with his kin.” Narrated by Anas ibn Malik (RA).
When your children see you visiting, phoning and caring for their grandparents, they’re learning this sunnah by watching. One day, they will treat you the same way.
Evidence · Qur’an
وَٱخْفِضْ لَهُمَا جَنَاحَ ٱلذُّلِّ مِنَ ٱلرَّحْمَةِ وَقُل رَّبِّ ٱرْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِى صَغِيرًۭا
“And lower to them the wing of humility out of mercy and say, ‘My Lord, have mercy upon them as they brought me up [when I was] small.’”
What grandparents give
- Stories and roots. Where the family came from, what life was like, who your children are part of.
- Language. Many children learn Urdu, Bengali, Arabic, Somali, Turkish or Malay mainly from grandparents.
- Faith by example. A grandmother’s quiet dhikr, a grandfather walking to the masjid for every prayer.
- Unhurried love. Grandparents often have the patience tired parents have run out of.
- Practical help. School runs, childcare, meals.
Evidence · Hadith
“He is not one of us who does not have mercy on our young and respect our elders.” Narrated by Anas ibn Malik (RA).
A family where the old are respected and the young are shown mercy is exactly what this hadith describes.
When views clash
Most disagreements fall into one of three types. It helps to know which one you’re dealing with.
| Type | Example | What to do |
|---|---|---|
| Preference | Sweets, bedtime, too many presents | Often let it go, especially on occasional visits. |
| Parenting approach | Smacking, shaming, “boys don’t cry” | Talk privately and kindly; this matters for your child. |
| Culture presented as religion | Black threads against nazar, pressure about early hijab, rules on who a girl may play with | Separate culture from what Islam actually teaches; ask a scholar if unsure. |
Heritage is precious. Many cultural practices are beautiful and fully compatible with Islam. But some are folk customs that grew up around religion. In Rahmly, heritage changes the framing and the examples, never the rulings. When a practice is presented as religious, it’s fair to ask, gently, “Where does that come from? I’d like to learn.”
Obedience and respect to parents are huge in Islam, but they have a limit:
Evidence · Hadith
“There is no obedience in sinning; obedience is only in what is good.” Narrated by ʿAli (RA).
Even with non-Muslim parents, a common situation in convert families, the Qur’an says not to follow them in what is against faith, yet to “accompany them in [this] world with appropriate kindness” (Luqman 31:15). Our guide to non-Muslim family and convert parents goes further.
Setting boundaries kindly
First, agree with your spouse. Disagreements with in-laws become far harder if the couple isn’t united. Usually, each spouse speaks to their own parents. See our guide to parenting together when you disagree.
Then choose your moment: privately, calmly, not in the middle of an incident. Some scripts:
- Start with thanks: “Ammi, the children adore you, and we couldn’t manage without your help.”
- Name one thing: “There’s one thing we’re trying to do differently, and we’d love your help with it.”
- Explain why: “We’ve decided not to smack. We want them to behave because they understand, not because they’re scared.”
- Offer an alternative: “If he’s being difficult, could you call me, or put him in the other room for a few minutes?”
- Accept their feelings: “I know it’s different from how you raised us. You did a wonderful job with what you knew.”
Keep teaching your children to honour their grandparents even when you disagree with them; our guide to teaching kids to respect parents applies to elders too.
In the moment, if something happens in front of your child, keep it calm: “Thank you, Nani. I’ll handle this one,” then talk later.
Long distance
Many children grow up thousands of miles from their grandparents.
- Regular video calls, at a fixed time, so they become a routine. Let grandparents read a story, teach a dua or tell a family memory.
- Voice notes in the heritage language. Children often understand more than they speak.
- Visits planned with purpose: a trip to the family village, cooking a family recipe, recording a grandparent’s stories.
- Help grandparents with technology if needed. It’s a kindness that pays back.
Our guide on bilingual Muslim kids has ideas for keeping the heritage language alive, which often keeps grandparents close too.
Safety comes first
Respect for elders never requires leaving a child with someone who harms them. If a relative is abusive, unsafe or puts your child at risk, protecting your child is part of your duty to Allah. Get support from child-protection services, or in an emergency call your local emergency number.
Most of the time, though, the problem isn’t danger. It’s love expressed differently. With patience, clear words and a lot of thanks, children can grow up wrapped in the love of a whole family.
Questions parents ask
How do I handle grandparents who undermine my parenting?
Talk to them privately, starting with thanks for their love and help. Explain the one or two things that matter most to you and why, and ask for their help with those specifically. Let small things go. If it's your spouse's parents, it usually works best for your spouse to have the conversation.
Is it my duty to let grandparents see the kids?
Keeping family ties (silat ar-rahim) is a strong duty in Islam, and children usually gain a great deal from their grandparents. So in most families, yes, nurture that relationship. The exception is safety: if a relative is abusive or puts a child at risk, protecting the child comes first. For specific situations, ask a scholar you trust.
How do I respect elders but keep my rules?
Respect is about how you speak and act, not about handing over every decision. You can speak gently, never say 'uff', thank them sincerely, and still say, 'We've decided to do it this way for the children.' Obedience is owed in what is good, and as parents, the main responsibility for your children is yours.
Sources
Written by the Rahmly team from the sources above. Our Reviewers’ sign-off for this guide is still in progress. For rulings about your own family, ask a scholar you trust.