Modesty (Haya) for Boys and Girls: More Than Clothes

When people hear “modesty in Islam”, they often picture a girl in a headscarf. But haya is much bigger than clothes, and it’s for boys every bit as much as girls.

This guide covers what haya really means, how to teach it to sons and daughters, and how to do it without making children ashamed of their bodies.

Haya is part of iman

The Prophet ﷺ placed haya right inside faith itself.

Evidence · Hadith

الإِيمَانُ بِضْعٌ وَسِتُّونَ شُعْبَةً، وَالْحَيَاءُ شُعْبَةٌ مِنَ الإِيمَانِ

“Faith has over sixty branches, and haya is a branch of faith.” Narrated by Abu Hurayrah (RA).

Once he passed a man telling off his brother for being too shy.

Evidence · Hadith

“Leave him, for haya is part of faith.” Narrated by ʿAbdullah ibn ʿUmar (RA).

And he described what it brings:

Evidence · Hadith

الْحَيَاءُ لاَ يَأْتِي إِلاَّ بِخَيْرٍ

“Haya brings nothing but good.” Narrated by ʿImran ibn Husayn (RA).

So haya isn’t timidity or low confidence. It’s a sense of dignity: feeling it’s beneath you to do something wrong or undignified, because you’re aware of Allah and you respect yourself and others.

For boys and girls

The same value, sometimes expressed differently.

The Qur’an’s verses on modesty speak to men first, then women:

Evidence · Qur’an

قُل لِّلْمُؤْمِنِينَ يَغُضُّوا۟ مِنْ أَبْصَٰرِهِمْ وَيَحْفَظُوا۟ فُرُوجَهُمْ ۚ ذَٰلِكَ أَزْكَىٰ لَهُمْ

“Tell the believing men to reduce [some] of their vision and guard their private parts. That is purer for them.”

The next verse (24:31) gives the same instruction to women, then adds guidance on dress and covering.

Yet much of what children hear about modesty is aimed at girls: cover up, sit properly, don’t laugh too loudly. Boys hear very little. That imbalance teaches both of them something untrue: that modesty is a girl’s burden, and a boy’s behaviour doesn’t matter.

What haya looks like for boys: lowering the gaze, keeping the ʿawrah (the area between navel and knee) covered, including at sport and swimming (see balancing deen and dunya in after-school activities), not making crude jokes, respecting girls and women, and not boasting.

What haya looks like for girls: the same gaze, speech and dignity, plus the dress guidance that becomes obligatory at puberty, including hijab. (See teaching hijab gently.)

Speech and gaze

Haya starts long before puberty, in small daily habits.

Speech:

• No swearing, crude jokes or mocking people’s bodies.
• Speaking respectfully to adults, siblings and friends.
• Not boasting or showing off.
• Online too: what we type and post is speech.

Gaze:

• Looking away when something inappropriate comes on screen. Make it a family habit: “Eyes away!” and change the channel without fuss.
• Not staring at people, especially at their bodies.
• Knocking before entering a room, and waiting for an answer. (See privacy at home.)

Dress by age

A gradual approach works best:

• Under 7: dress them comfortably and appropriately. Introduce “private parts are covered” as a simple rule. (See body safety for Muslim kids.)
• 7 to 9: start talking about why we choose certain clothes. Let them choose within limits. Begin covering more at the mosque and in public, as practice, without pressure.
• 10 to puberty: prepare for the ʿawrah rules that will apply at puberty. For girls, hijab can be introduced gently. For boys, shorts that cover the knee and modest swimwear.
• After puberty: the rules of ʿawrah apply fully. Details of what must be covered differ between madhhabs, so ask a scholar you trust.

Involve children in choices. A child who picks their own modest clothes owns them. A child who’s told “you’re not leaving the house in that” learns to change once they’re round the corner.

Modesty without shame

This is the most important part. Haya is not shame about the body. Allah made our bodies, and they are good. We cover certain parts because they’re private and precious, not because they’re dirty.

Words to avoid:

• “Cover up, that’s disgusting!”
• “Shame on you!” (for a toddler running around after a bath)
• “Good girls don’t…”

Words to use instead:

• “We keep this part private because it belongs to you.”
• “Let’s put your clothes on. Our bodies are private.”
• “We cover because Allah asked us to, and it’s a way of respecting ourselves.”

Why it matters: child-protection organisations like the NSPCC stress that children should be able to talk about their bodies and about anything that makes them uncomfortable. A child who has learned that bodies are shameful may be too embarrassed to tell you if someone touches them. Healthy haya and body safety work together.

Haya also never stops a child from learning or asking. Umm Sulaym (RA) began her question about wet dreams with “Allah is not shy of the truth” (Sahih al-Bukhari 282). True haya is shy of wrongdoing, not of knowledge.